Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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