Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
