Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
