how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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