I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
