Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
