Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Found the puke drawer
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
