I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
