You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
