Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
