I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
