Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
