I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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