Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
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Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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