I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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