so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
