we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
two words...techno handjob
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize