So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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