if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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