Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
