Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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