I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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