the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
