Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
