I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize