i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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