I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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