is your mom at the bar?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You can't special order awesome
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
