so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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