I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
