So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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