You're my little dorito
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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