You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
