I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
