Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you would pick up someone in the library
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
