You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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