i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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