I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
