my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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