I got chris browned last night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
