Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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