I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
