i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
