I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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