got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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