I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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