you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
