I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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