totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
