they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
