there's paper in my vomit.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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