This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
