i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
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COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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