Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
