My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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