i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
