Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
