i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
