dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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