Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize