Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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