I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
