Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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