this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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